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maniaSTations 

ON THE PLANET MARS 

AND ITS TERRIFIC CONSEQUENCES 




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Published in the Year 55 E.D. on Mars 
(1915 A.D. ON Earth) 

BY THE DENKER PUBLISHERS, Inc. 
30 Church Street, New York 



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The 

Mania of the Nations 
on the Planet Mars 

and its Terrific Consequences 



A Combination of Fun and Wisdom 

by 

A. CALMADENKER 



Published in the Year 55 E.D. on Mars 

(1915 A. D. on Earth) 

By the DENKER PUBLISHERS. Inc. 

30 CHURCH STREET, NEW YORK 



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Copyright, 191 5 
by THE DENKER PUBLISHERS, Inc. 



MAR-4i9i5 

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THE MANIA OF THE NATIONS 
ON THE PLANET MARS 



MANY millions of centuries ago, when 
the celestial globe on which we live and 
struggle started to emerge from the hot- 
air habit and commenced to cool down and come to 
its senses, a huge mass of syrup-like material sagged 
down toward the lower end of the cooling ball and, 
upon further cooling, formed a high promontory at 
what we to-day call the South Pole. As a conse- 
quence we now find there a plateau of an elevation 
far exceeding in height the highest mountains found 
elsewhere on our venerable globe. 

You may imagine if you can how cold it must 
be there. The North Pole is supposed to be cool 
enough for anybody who hates to go to sleep in an 
overheated bedroom; but it has been shown to be a 
depression in the earth*s crust filled with ice, and it 



therefore does not mount far above sea level, while 
the South Pole, aside from lacking the sun's com- 
forting perpendicular rays, reaches besides so high 
up in the atmospheric layers as to preclude all pos- 
sibility of the prevalence of hot birds. Cold bottles 
are about the only means of enjoyment which the 
tourists, thirsting for amusement, find there at their 
disposal. 

Professor FANSEE of the Dreemo University 
was a courageous man. He may have been afflicted 
with a creepy feeling in the still, mysterious shadows 
of the night; he may have had a constant fear of 
spooks and all sorts of ferocious beasts ; he may have 
stood in perpetual awe of his innocent-looking wife ; 
but it must be said to his everlasting glory that he 
was not at all afraid of the cold. It is being whis- 
pered that after many years of married life his affec- 
tionate spouse had at last succeeded in more or less 
accustoming him to frigidity. 

Professor FANSEE, moreover, was an expert in 
astronomy, chemistry and electricity. With a smile 
of derision he had watched for years the futile efforts 
on the part of certain scientists to communicate with 
the planet Mars. Long ago an idea had ripened in 
his fertile brain that he knew would ultimately lead 
to the desired end. The highest plateau on earth 
having been shown to be located at the South Pole, 



he decided to direct his Zee-rays from this cool and 
calm promontory. For this purpose he caused an 
enormous hollow globe to be built of non-conduct- 
ing material, so arranged that the inner chambers 
would retain an upright position while the ball would 
be merrily rolling along. By means of powerful 
storage batteries within this potent structure the ap- 
paratus was made self-propelling. With this roll- 
ing vehicle at his beck and call, he needed no ships 
to cross the Antarctic ocean, no derricks to hoist his 
globular observatory to the highest peak; and with- 
out notifying the press, unostentatiously as befits a 
serious-minded scientist, he arrived one fine morn- 
ing at the highest point of that celestial conveyance 
which we call the earth. 

From this elevation he industriously worked his 
ingenious device. For six months he shot his Zee- 
rays day and night at the unsuspecting Martians. 
For six months his endeavors seemed utterly fruit- 
less. Then, of a sudden, in the middle of the night, 
a faint wail was heard in the Professor's receiving 
apparatus; a manifestation of the first indication 
that his brain-child had actually come into healthful 
being. For two weeks, at intervals of twenty min- 
utes. Professor FANSEE cautiously manipulated his 
quivering wires. Then, at last, to his unbounded 
joy and satisfaction, the first communication from 



Mars became intelligible. From that moment on, 
it took but a few days to come to an understanding 
with the mystic inhabitants of our misty neighbor; 
and an interesting narrative was thus obtained of 
conditions prevailing on the presumably canal-in- 
fested planet. 

Professor FANSEE unfortunately breathed his 
last before returning to his native land. But I had 
had the honor of acting as his assistant and con- 
fidant. And although to my keen disappointment 
the globe in which we traveled was wrecked on the 
rocks while making a landing on the shores of New 
Zealand, I had the good fortune of safely swimming 
ashore and of saving the papers containing the in- 
teresting revelations. So, with due credit to Pro- 
fessor FANSEE, and with fond recollections of his 
erudite personality, I believe myself justified in re- 
vealing the Martian episode to my terrestrial fellow- 
men. 

The marked similarity with events on our own 
celestial empire may strike my readers as a singular 
coincidence. But according to prehistoric astrol- 
ogers, all events are controlled by the position of the 
stars. And, if they do control the course of events 
on our earth, it seems but natural that they should 
similarly affect some of the other members of our 
solar system. 



First of all, as Professor FANSEE had always 
been profoundly interested in questions of religion, 
and as his first inquiries consequently dealt with 
this highly important subject, it should be stated that 
for eighteen centuries and a half the ruling re- 
ligion on the planet Mars had been the religion of 
NAZARRO. Nazarro was a God who, according 
to the Martians, materialized in human form on 
the planet Mars. This God preached a gospel of 
peace, of the curbing of passions, and of equal di- 
vision of wealth. So the Roamani and the Hee- 
brons, among whom he dwelt, sought to punish His 
revolutionary agitations by hanging Him on the gal- 
lows. Thus the sign of the gallows became a sign 
of sanctity revered by NAZARRO's followers, and 
the emblem of a new faith. The members of the 
religious sect so created and which for fifteen cen- 
turies continued to grow in power were known as 
the Nazarranos. 

About the end of the fifteenth century E.N. 
(the Era of NAZARRO ) the trend of civilization 
commenced to take a somewhat different direction. 
If the Nazarranos had limited themselves to spread- 
ing the precepts of NAZARRO unchanged, our Mar- 
tian informer thought, all of the inhabitants of Mars 
would unswervingly have recognized their excel- 
lence. But only a few among the Martians were 



mentally as lofty as had been the Great Nazarrano 
Teacher. Consequently, when the Nazarranos or- 
ganized a Nazarrano corporation under the personal 
direction of certain lower and higher functionaries, 
these functionaries, supposedly for the honor of 
NAZARRO, often resorted to methods of which 
NAZARRO Himself would never have approved. 
TTie unavoidable result was that certain Martians 
seriously began to doubt the superiority of the whole 
Nazarrano faith. 

Meanwhile, from remote antiquity down to 
this interesting era, the minds of the Martians had 
gradually developed to ever greater efficiency; and 
it so happened that at this time they commenced to 
investigate the phenomena of Nature far more sys- 
tematically than they had ever done before. In 
connection with the Nazarrano faith a mystic story 
had been preached of the creation of the Universe, 
gathered from the Heebron manuscripts, and which 
made the Martians believe that Mars was a flat slice 
of land floating on water, around which the remain- 
der of the Universe majestically rotated. So when 
a Martian by the name of GALELIAH discovered that 
Mars was a globe, and that Mars rotated round 
the Sun, and not the Sun around Mars, the Nazar- 
rano corporation officials strenuously objected, for 
they saw in his suggestion the first signs of disbelief. 



8 



Notwithstanding the opposition of the Nazarrano 
officials, various sciences began to develop in other 
directions, until the Nazarranos were forced, little 
by little, to change their views of creation. In every 
instance the Nazarrano dignitaries registered their 
objections in vain with greater or lesser vehemence. 
At last, in the year 1859 E.N., a new prophet 
arose, bearing the euphonic name of DARVINO. In 
the country of the Frank-AuKans, otherwise known 
as the Fringe, a book had previously been published 
by LAMARCKEESO, suggesting that the development 
of the Universe was due to a process of evolution; 
and the intrepid DARVINO rigged a ship to search for 
proofs, and published these proofs convincingly in 
the said memorable year 1859 E.N. 

From that time on, a new faith began to con- 
quer the minds of the Martians. To a numerous 
group of scientists the year 1861 E.N. became the 
year I E.D. (Era of DARVINO). A new religious 
sect came into being known as the Darvinianos. 
And although a large majority of the Nazarranos 
continued to profess their older faith, their views of 
the Universe as well as their conceptions of proper 
living were, nevertheless, ever more definitely influ- 
enced by the Darviniano conclusions. 

Now the belief in personal Gods, of which the 
Nazarrano faith had been the latest outgrowth, had 



prevailed on the planet Mars for innumerable cen- 
turies. The Martian idea of morality had for an 
almost unlimited era been taught to the young in so 
close a connection with the faith in personal and 
semi-human Deities, that it seemed to the Martians 
that this faith was the rock on which moral conduct 
was necessarily to be founded. The faith in per- 
sonally supervising Divinities had penetrated the 
customs and moral conceptions not only of the Na- 
zarranos, but well nigh of all the Martian nations 
and religious sects. It had grown to be to all ap- 
pearances inseparable from the Martians' way of 
giving vent to their emotional longings and inclina- 
tions. On the other hand, the Darviniano conclu- 
sions contained nothing of an emotional nature. 
They sprang from the intellect, and appealed to the 
intellect only. 

As the year 1859 E.N. on Mars corresponds 
exactly with the year 1 859 A.D. on earth, it may 
readily be seen that at the time of Professor FAN- 
SEE's intercourse with our neighboring planet, the 
Darviniano faith had prevailed only for a little over 
half a century. Of course, new faiths, new religions, 
new philosophies, cannot ripen to completeness in 
so short a lapse of time. Hence, in order to satisfy 
their emotional longings and moral desires, the Mar- 
tians continued to resort to the Nazarrano manu- 



ID 



scripts, adopting meanwhile the intellectual views of 
the Darvinianos, and trying as best they could to 
harmonize the two systems of thought. But try as 
they might, they were ever and again confronted by 
disturbing contradictions. This inevitably gave rise 
to an unsettled emotional condition, which our Mar- 
tian informer indeed seemed deeply to deplore, but 
which — in his clearly expressed opinion — would be- 
yond doubt make way for a renewed era of moral 
stability and mental ease, so soon as the Darviniano 
faith had been made more nearly complete — and 
hence more satisfactory — by an infusion of the emo- 
tional element. 

Having in this way concisely explained the re- 
ligious situation on the whirling Canal-globe, our 
informant, who evidently was an erudite philosopher 
delegated for this purpose, suddenly changed the 
subject in order that he might acquaint us with the 
principal international political events that had oc- 
curred on Mars during the Nazarrano era. 

To our astonishment we received the unmistak- 
able impression that the social conditions on the 
earthlike planet are as yet extremely primitive. It 
seems that, in ancient times, those groups of Mar- 
tians who inhabited territories surrounded by moun- 
tains and forests or bordered by oceans and rivers, 
were forced to consider these natural boundaries as 



II 



insurmountable barriers, and that these barriers 
made their communication with other groups of 
Martians almost impossible. Each of these groups 
was thus for many long centuries constrained to lead 
an isolated existence. The tribes that occupied one 
valley never came in contact with the inhabitants of 
other valleys. One group of Martians would dwell 
at one side of some large forest; on the other side 
some other group would be struggling along; but 
the two groups never met to interchange their views 
or to learn in what way the other had increased the 
comforts of life. Naturally, therefore, each group 
developed a language and crude civilization of its 
own, and the result was the division of the inhabi- 
tants of Mars into separate nations, each with its 
own peculiar customs and ideals. 

As science advanced, the communication be- 
tween these isolated nations was ever more facilitated, 
and their mutual relations became ever more intimate. 
At the time at which Professor FANSEE received his 
remarkable message, perfect intercommunication had 
been established by means of railroads, steamship 
lines, telegraphs and telephones. The Martians had 
even commenced to travel through the air from one 
country to another. In this manner all the nations 
were enabled to benefit by the scientific progress 
made by any one of them. 



12 



Now if each nation had been sufficient unto 
itself, if each country had from its own resources 
provided all the ingredients it needed under its more 
progressive form of civilization, it might to an ex- 
tent have been sensible for the various groups of 
Martians to say to one another: "We are mighty 
glad to come in contact with you, and we are deeply 
interested in your customs and ideals, which seem 
at first sight so very much at variance with our own, 
and which are nevertheless at bottom so very similar 
to ours; but as we do not see the slightest benefit in 
changing the conditions that be, we prefer not to 
destroy our national individuality. For our national 
pride has grown to be a sacred idol among us, with 
which no higher ideals of a more expanded brother- 
hood should be permitted to interfere.*' But our 
Martian informer stated that in actuality none of the 
Martian nations really is sufficient unto itself. With 
the broadened requirements of life which inevitably 
followed in the wake of scientific development and 
mental expansion, it was found that each nation pro- 
duces articles of some special type, of which all the 
other nations are keenly and continually in need. 
The soil of one country is rich in certain products 
not found in other countries, even though these other 
countries require them as well. In fact, it was soon 
disclosed that all civilized nations are utterly de- 



13 



pendent upon each other, both mentally and phys- 
ically. 

Under these circumstances, the unprejudiced 
observer would naturally expect the nations to form 
some sort of an alliance or federation for mutual 
protection, and with a view to a sensible combina- 
tion of interests. Yet so short-sighted have been the 
evidently narrow-minded Martians until now, that 
they have utterly failed to take any such step. Nay, 
instead of cooperating with each other, the nations 
actually antagonize one another with blind stupid- 
ity. Small-minded jealousies and hatreds, express- 
ing themselves especially in a peculiar international 
science which the Martians call dip-low-macy, keep 
the nations aloof from one another, and make sworn 
hereditary enemies of nations that should entertain 
naught but friendly and cooperative relations. Even 
those nations which have acquired the same faith, 
the same hopes, the same aspirations, continue to 
lead their isolated national existence, carefully nurs- 
ing their mutual petty hatreds and malice against 
other nationalities. Inasmuch as pretty nearly all 
the Martian nations seem to be afflicted with this 
malicious nationality-mania, the planet Mars, as 
seen from the earth, inevitably makes the impression 
of one vast lunatic asylum, nationality-mania being 
the dreadful malady from which the Mars-bound 



14 



patients are unfortunately suffering. Their minds 
seem to be as much in a whirl as is the rolling planet 
which they inhabit. 

This most unfortunate mental disease even dis- 
rupts and destroys the much vaunted bonds of a 
common religious faith. 

On the planet Mars, aside from the Nazar- 
ranos, another religious sect flourishes, founded by 
a prophet whose name, as far as we could decipher, 
was MOE HAMID. This MOE HAMID Strictly pro- 
hibited the use of the mussel as an article of nourish- 
ment. And by the law of contradiction or by the 
irony of fate, the sect has ever since been known as 
the Musselmen. Now these Musselmen, although 
dispersed among different nationalities, have really 
formed a sort of brotherhood founded on their faith. 
Whenever a holy war is declared in earnest, all 
Musselmen stand together. That the members of 
this sect should refer to the Nazarrano-Darvinianos 
as dogs, may be deplorably one-sided, but can read- 
ily be understood. At any rate the Musselmen are 
known to stick together. Among the Darvinized 
Narrazanos, however, cooperative brotherhood is 
totally lacking. One of the Nazarrano-Darviniano 
nations looks upon another such nation as a con- 
temptible pack of dogs; one nation considers the 
other to be an aggregate of low barbarians; and 



15 



every single nation among them envies all the others 
any political power or industrial prosperity which 
by long-continued effort they may have attained. 

Even though both NAZARRO and DARVINO 
were fervent advocates of peace and tolerance, the 
nations which are supposed to follow these two 
Masters direct their best intelligence and scientific 
accomplishments toward the invention of infernal 
devices with which to maim and destroy one another. 
Every new discovery made by scientific searchers is 
at once seized upon for the purpose of making these 
engines of torture ever more deadly, ever more mali- 
ciously destructive. As he deciphered these words 
one dreary night. Professor FANSEE whispered to 
me in confidence that he had absolutely lost his be- 
lief in the actual existence of Hell; but that this 
revelation was making him reconsider his non-belief. 
And, he added, if there is such a place, I am fully 
convinced that, then, I have beyond doubt located 
it on the planet Mars. Think of this insensate chaos 
of low emotions, of this ceaseless courting of suf- 
fering, death and devastation among nations which 
should have formed a solid bond of friendship and 
mutual respect, and which, had they done so, might 
all have peaceably enjoyed all the wealth of the 
Universe. And when you behold their primitive 
lack of all kindly feeling, reflect that these nation- 



i6 



ality-maniacs are so utterly deluded as to bluntly call 
themselves Nazarranos and to pray to the God of 
NAZARRO for success in their wantonly destructive 
pursuits ! 

Stirred to the depth by this display of unutter- 
able stupidity or seemingly hopeless irrationality, 
we anxiously waited for further details. Little by 
little, we subsequently succeeded in deciphering 
them. It seems that among the antagonistic Nazar- 
rano-Darviniano nations there were two to whom 
our Martian informer referred with particular em- 
phasis. 

One of these, inhabiting a country called Two- 
Tonia, seems to be known to the Martians as the 
TWO-TONS. Upon inquiry it was found that on 
Mars the names by which the nations are known 
are in some instances derived from their mental char- 
acteristics. The Two-Tons have the reputation of ^ 
being mentally heavy. Each Two-Ton is supposed 
to carry two tons of brain matter; and in many in- 
dividual cases this weight unfortunately becomes so 
oppressive as to make them apparently incapable of 
acquiring or developing the amiable and pliable men- 
tal graces that adorn the minds of a few other na- ^ 
tionalities. 

The Two-Tons excel many other nations in 
depth and scientific thoroughness. They have in- 



i; 



creased their depth by digging very deep into any 
subject to which they devote their attention. That 
in their arguments in connection with the Darviniano 
philosophy, aside from empirical pursuits, they are 
apt to dig in the wrong direction, our Martian in- 
former promised to demonstrate. Digging as deep 
as they do, one may easily understand, if they really 
start digging in the wrong direction, how very far 
from their philosophic object they are likely to wind 
up in the end. 

Among those nationalities whose national pride 
stands in the way of an appreciation of the merits 
of other nations, the Two-Tons must be counted 
foremost. To them all other Nazarrano-Darviniano 
nations seem utterly worthless and absurdly in- 
ferior. For this reason they prefer occasional asso- 
ciation or alliance with the Musselmen, although 
they are supposed to be praying to the Nazarrano 
God, placing meanwhile their faith in the Darvin- 
iano philosophy. Their contempt for other Nazar- 
rano nations knows no limit. They consider them- 
selves the creators and guardians of a special form 
of civilization, endlessly superior to the degree of 
mental growth reached in other countries. How- 
ever absurd and conceited this may seem, it must 
at the same time be acknowledged that the brain- 
weight of the Two-Tons has led to some remarkably 



i8 



constructive results. In the short lapse of time of 
forty years, making use of the material gathered in 
earlier periods, they have succeeded in erecting a 
palatial edifice of science and industry far exceed- 
ing in excellence and unity of construction the many 
isolated buildings erected for the same purpose in 
the course of a few centuries in other countries. 
How great and rich this nation could therefore have 
grown, had they quietly fostered in their own hearts 
their elation at their wonderful progress, and had 
they not permitted contradictory delusions to mar 
the solidity of their accomplishments! 

It should be mentioned that among the products 
which this nation was preparing with scientific care 
was a dangerous explosive that was placed upon the 
national market under the name of Militarism. 
Every able-bodied male citizen was compelled to de- 
vote a certain number of years to the manufacture 
of this highly explosive product. As a consequence 
there was such a superabundance of the stuff in 
their country, that they decided to store barrels 
upon barrels of it in the basement of their wonder- 
fully constructed edifice. Moreover, they placed a 
fuse in every room and hall of the well-constructed 
building, so that they might be in a position to blow 
the whole structure up at a moment's notice, appar- 
ently just for spite, in case of a quarrel with some 



19 



y 



other nation. Great engines were constructed of 
precious metal from which this explosive was to 
hurl huge balls, scientific stinkpots and other ma- 
licious missiles into the ranks of the contemplated 
enemy. And as these engines were wont to cough 
up their deadly projectiles with an earsplitting noise, 
the factory where the engines were produced was 
facetiously referred to as the CROUP-factory. The 
time indeed came when an explosion did occur, of 
which the terrific results are as yet incapable of 
compilation. 

Another product of a very different kind, man- 
ufactured by the Two-Tons, was mentioned by 
our Martian informer, the real character of which 
Professor FANSEE had some difficulty in decipher- 
ing. At first the Professor translated its name as 
Koaltar, but as the word was repeated, it proved 
to be some sort of national talisman to which they 
give the name of Kooltoor. The real meaning 
of this word is still wrapped in mystery. It would 
seem, however, that just as our word Culture refers 
to the mental development of the individual, so is the 
word Kooltoor used to denote the mental and phys- 
ical development of the Two-Ton nation as a whole. 
I expect that Two-Tonia will be mentioned later in 
Professor FANSEE's manuscript in connection with 
further international Martian events. 



20 



The other nation most frequently mentioned by 
our unseen communicant on Mars seems to be 
known on that planet by the name of ANGLERS- 
AXSONS, and was at other times referred to under 
the name of BRITS. There is no doubt but that the 
two names refer to the same nation, for in one in- 
stance the word Axsons was left out, and our kind 
Martian spoke distinctly of the Anglers or Brits. 
They dwell apparently on a group of islands called 
Anglia or Brittia. It further seems that one of these 
islands is specifically known as the Ire-island, be- 
cause the ire of its inhabitants is so very easily 
aroused. According to a legend, the nation of the 
Brits was founded by a fisherman who drove the 
snakes off the islands for the permanent protection 
of the angleworms. This fisherman having been a 
prehistoric patriarch, whose name has failed to come 
down the sky-reaching slope of the centuries, the 
nation is simply known as the Anglers. The ocean 
has been the field of their conquests and the means 
toward their development, which took about three 
centuries, so that their national efforts commenced 
some two centuries and a half before the Two-Tons 
started theirs. 

They are so wholeheartedly devoted to fishing, 
it is said that during all this stretch of time they 
continually have had their baited hooks ready to 



21 



grab and appropriate anything to be found in, on 
or near the ocean. They have not been unsuccess- 
ful in their fishing enterprise. Sometimes they catch 
fish. At other times they catch islands, coaHng 
stations, countries occupied by so-called inferior 
tribes, a canal here and there built by the laborious 
efforts of other nations; in fact they have gathered 
all sorts of oceanic treasures whenever the other 
nations failed to see them first. The surname 
Ax-sons is probably derived from the fact that but a 
few hundred years ago they were mere Skandal- 
navying savages whose only weapon of offense and 
defense was the battle-ax. 

As to the name Brits, by which they seem in fact 
to be most commonly known, it must be confessed 
that Professor FANSEE had never succeeded in 
discovering its intrinsic meaning. When I returned 
to civilization, however, I decided to investigate; 
and by carefully scanning all the dictionaries con- 
tained in all the famous libraries of the Fidji Islands, 
I discovered that the word Brit applies to a young 
herring, once thought to be a distinct species. I 
furthermore found that this word denotes the food 
of the whalebone whales, consisting of small crus- 
taceans, pteropods (whatever that is), and other 
minute surface swimming animals whose mammas 
have cursed them with fancy names. It is possible 



22 



that the Biits made al one time the fishing of brit 
their national industry, and that they thus became 
known by the name of the fish they sold, dished 
up, and in other ways used for their own sel-fish 
purposes. On the other hand it is equally plausible 
that the name refers to their propensity of grabbing 
little islands and coaling stations from the ocean, 
just small enough to escape the attention of others 
and to pass through the elastic dip-low-matic rake, 
yet in the aggregate of sufficient bulk considerably 
to increase their national weight and importance. 

Speaking of dip-low-macy, the Brits are great 
adepts at this low-dipping effort. It should be 
known that in this peculiar Martian pursuit the 
facial muscles are not permitted to betray the 
schemes that are hatching in the brain. You think 
and mean one thing, you say and appear to mean 
something else. The heavy bulk of brain that bur- 
dens the Two-Tons prevents these scientific people 
from dissimulating their mental activity. They are 
forced by nature to be blunt and candid, except 
when they have caused some calamity and foxily 
try to throw the blame on somebody else, as curious- 
ly may be shown by subsequent events. But the 
brains of the Brits are not quite so heavy. By 
means of rowing, swimming, football, polo, golf, 
tennis, cricket and other strenuous outdoor sports. 



23 



they have acquired perfect control over their 
muscles. Especially is this ability apparent in their 
clever manipulation of the muscles of the face. 

At frequent occasions the Brits have covered 
their angling activities with a veneer of apparently 
noble purposes, so beautifully polished you could 
almost use the veneer as a curved looking-glass. 
For instance, when they were spreading their own 
nationality all over the hilly surface of good old 
Mars, their facial expression was extremely innocent 
and noble while pretending merely to be spreading 
the Nazarrano faith. While they did do their 
share toward Nazarrizing the globe on which they 
live, they did not, in accordance with the Nazar- 
rano precepts, look for their reward in heaven, but 
they sold their virtues for cash and took their reward 
by force of arms and dip-low-macy right on Mars 
itself. Their plan was very simple. They would 
send a missionary to spread the faith; subsequently 
they would send him plenty of assistants. Then they 
would start trading, always looking out — as trades- 
men should — for their own interests. This inevit- 
ably led to disagreement with the natives. And as 
the engines of destruction used by the unobtrusive 
natives had not reached as high a phase of physical 
civilization as had those of the Brits, all the latter 
had to do at this phase of the game was to send 



24 



some of their own little destruction-machines to the 
nation involved, and, after a little fighting, to make 
the territory their own. They would then start to 
colonize to clinch the one-sided deal. 

To the development of science and industry 
they also have contributed a very important share. 
But as they believed in Culture and failed to develop 
that national unity brought about by the Two-Ton 
Kooltoor, their scientific and industrial buildings 
have never as yet been combined into one great 
edifice, such as so skilfully erected in Two-Tonia. 
It is possible that the greater development of animal 
spirits among the Brits versus the greater mental 
momentum of the Two-Tons had something to do 
with this difference in type of growth. It is pos- 
sible that it was simply due to the fact that the 
minds of the great Brit thinkers and scientists had 
developed in one direction, while those among the 
Two-Tons had developed in a very different direc- 
tion. Yet there can be but little doubt but that one 
of the most important causes of this divergency is 
to be found in the circumstance that the Two-Tons 
started to build their unified nation at a time when 
the sciences had reached a high state of advancement, 
and after a new philosophic sect had arisen among 
the Two-Tons, who were popularly known as the 
Social-Mists, and who laid particular stress on the 



25 



advantages of cooperation; while, on the contrary, 
the foundation of the Brit institutions had been laid 
during a period, when the development of modern 
science had not given even its first signs of life. 

In regard to the science of dip-low-macy, pre- 
viously referred to, it may here be stated that this 
facial endeavor is by no means limited to the Brits 
alone. It seems that this quasi-scientific deception 
is practised with similar skill by other Martian 
nations. And even allowing for the deplorable fact 
that most of these nations are suffering from a piti- 
able mental malady, it still is astounding to the 
terrestrial onlooker that this ability to manipulate 
the facial muscles is among the Martians regarded 
as a highly meritorious attainment. Many digni- 
taries of the Nazarrano corporation occupy high 
places of honor on the strength of it. Nay, among 
most of the Martian nations even the making and 
the interpretation of the country's laws is almost 
exclusively entrusted to those who excel in this 
deceitful pursuit. For .the attainment to high polit- 
ical office it seems to be an absolutely essential 
accomplishment. Our Martian informer expressed 
the fervent belief that, were it not for this irrational 
and habitual deception, much of the petty malice 
between nation and nation could have been avoided 
or allayed. 



26 



We have heretofore found occasion to mention 
that the national activity of the Brits covered a 
period of some three hundred years, while that of 
the Two-Tons was Hmited to a span of forty years. 
This apparent difference in national duration is due 
to the fact that for many years up to the year 1 1 
E.D. ( 1 871 E.N.) the Two-Tons had been divided 
into a number of small principalities, each leading a 
semi-national existence of its own. In the year men- 
tioned, after a destruction-chief by the name of 
MOULD-KEY had conquered the Frank-Aulians 
popularly known as the Fringe, a Two-Ton leader 
called BEES*MARK, because he left the mark of a 
very busy bee upon Two-Tonia, united the princi- 
palities into one great Two-Ton empire. Two chiefs 
reigned for a short time over the new-born nation, 
and then were succeeded by another ruler, a man of 
strenuous activity, bearing the high-sounding name 
of WILMOSTASH. This man seems to have had 
a prominent influence on the Two-Tonian growth; 
and the Two-Tons are convinced that their natural 
development is in essence due to the tireless efforts 
of this ruler, whose facial adornments indeed reach 
up toward the distant heavens. 

The industrial preparations among the Two- 
Ton principalities previous to their federation, were 
now by the Two-Tons regarded as of but little con- 



27 



sequence. Especially the younger generations saw 
naught but the growth of the united nation since 
the year 1 1 E.D. (1871 E.N.). And when they 
realized that they occupied an industrial position 
on the planet Mars at least as important as that of 
any other nation, they were impressed with the idea 
that in three, four decades they had accomplished 
what had taken other nations three, four centuries 
to reach. This impression could not but vastly in- 
crease their national pride, so that the nationality- 
mania, so common among the deluded Martians, 
was in Two-Tonia brought to an acute phase, over- 
shadowing in depth and seriousness the similar 
mental malady prevalent among other nations. 

As a consequence, as they gradually attained 
their important industrial position, they aspired at 
a political position of similar importance. But be- 
ing — as a consequence of their brain-weight — less 
nimble and more blunt than many of the other 
races, they frequently assumed in the counsel of 
nations a high-toned attitude which the others looked 
upon as arrogant, and by force of which they fre- 
quently attempted to dictate the final decisions on 
international problems. 

Had the nations not been deluded by their an- 
tagonistic and ever suspicious nationality-mania, they 
would have reasoned with the Two-Tons, they 



28 



would have endeavored better to understand their 
ideals and their motives, and they might have learned 
much from them, just as the Two-Tons themselves 
in earlier years had learned a great deal from the 
others. But as a consequence of the deplorable 
Martian delusion, this attitude on the part of the 
Two-Tons had the effect of emphasizing all the 
more the malice that one nation bore another, and 
even resulted in a combination of the ill-will of 
various otherwise mutually unfriendly nations, in 
aggregate directed against the Two-Tons. As the 
neighboring nations watched with anxiety the pro- 
fuse production of the militaristic explosive in the 
Two-Tonian empire, and as they scented an immi- 
nent danger of an explosion, they — by means of 
combinations and alliances — commenced to take mea- 
sures to protect themselves against the Two-Tonian 
aggression which, they thought, was bound sooner 
or later to change from a merely mental attitude 
into a series of acts of physical violence. Among 
the nations so combined, special mention should be 
made of the FRANK-AULIANS or FRINGE, who, be- 
sides watching with suspicion the growing militaristic 
activity of their neighbor, were moreover animated 
by their desire to obtain redress for the damage 
done them in 1871 E.N., when they lost the terri- 
tories of AU-Sass and Low-Rain to the Two-Tons. 
Indeed, though this desire — at first vehemently pro- 



29 



claimed — had largely diminished in fervor as time 
wore on, still it was one of the undercurrents con- 
scientiously to be taken into account in the judgment 
one might attempt to pass upon later developments. 
In the anti-Two-Tonian protective combinations, the 
Fringe no doubt figured prominently. 

It is characteristic of the primitive condition 
of Martian civilization that a nation's political in- 
fluence is determined, not by the wisdom it dis- 
plays in international counsel, but by the size of 
the territory it controls, and partly, therefore, by the 
extent of its colonies. Now, during ililee long cen- 
turies various nations had explored the oceans and 
snapped up all the territories fit for colonization; 
and owing to the successful angling of the Brits, 
many of these colonies had in the end fallen into 
their hands. Next in colonial possessions came the 
Fringe, and another nation known as the Whole- 
landers also controlled considerable outlying terri- 
tory. But as all these nations had been engaged 
in this accumulation-process for so long a span of 
time, the Two-Tons, when they commenced to 
search for similar far-off fields of expansion, found 
but little left over. And not being as perfect in dip- 
low-matic attainments as other nations, the Two- 
Tons, as other nations had feared all along, came 
to the conclusion that the only way in which they 



30 



cculd attain to the same type of political in- 
fluence, was by force of arms, in other words, by 
a free and very inconsiderate use of their national 
explosive on other nations' territories. I am here 
tempted to call attention to the marked influence 
which political conditions exert over the mental 
activity of a nation's philosophic authors. 

This temptation is so great that I shall over- 
come my reluctance, and reveal what our Martian 
communicant secretly confided to Professor FAN- 
SEE one memorable night, when both were looking 
for relaxation from the strain of their protracted 
labor. On this indeed very rare occasion our 
Martian philosopher confided to Professor FANSEE 
some of his own personal earlier experiences. From 
these it appeared that the Martian — I picture him 
in my imagination as a tall, lean man with a long 
white beard — had originally been a fervent follower 
of the faith of NAZARRO, and that afterwards he 
had been converted to Darvinianoism. And so pro- 
foundly had the Darviniano conclusions obtained a 
hold on his mentality, that he finally refused to look 
upon the Heebron and Nazarrano manuscripts as 
in any v/ay authoritative in regard to what did and 
what did not constitute morality. With my deeper 
understanding of Nature, he then had said to himself, 
let me go back to her, and Nature herself shall teach 



31 



me the laws of proper conduct. But when he had 
commenced conscientiously to observe the methods 
of Nature with this purpose in view, he soon dis- 
covered that the conduct of Nature as a whole 
greatly differs from the conduct deemed just and 
proper by the Martians. He found that Nature may 
at any time produce an upheaval of the soil, by 
which libraries, printing-presses, art museums, tem- 
ples, churches, factories, institutes of industry and 
learning, would in a few hours be wantonly de- 
stroyed, without the slightest discrimination be- 
tween the criminal and the virtuous, between things 
evil and things beneficial to the Martians. In this 
then, he mused, we cannot follow Nature. 

Then, seeking for better guidance, he had be- 
thought himself of the law of the survival of the 
fittest. This law, he reflected, we may be able 
consciously to apply to our conduct. But how? It 
is evident that this law refers essentially to physical 
impediments and obstructions, to physical condi- 
tions only. An icy blast may sweep the top of a 
high hill and wipe out the tribe that inhabits it, and 
those living in the valley may survive. Yet, had 
those in the valley been at the pinnacle, they would 
have perished, and had those at the pinnacle lived 
in the valley, they would in turn have survived. 
And if one were to ask what would have happened 



32 



had the blast struck both tribes at the same time, 
we answer, those physically the fittest would have 
survived, absolutely independent of their virtues or 
vices or of the degree of their intelligence. 

Has intelligence then been of no consequence 
whatever in the activity of this law? Does not the 
fact that an intelligent race has survived races of 
animals physically far more ferocious furnish proof 
positive of the influence of intelligence on the opera- 
tion of the great law? No, had the Martian con- 
cluded, it furnishes no such proof whatever. An 
intelligent race has survived, not in consequence of 
the physical law of survival, but in opposition to it. 
It survived because it devised means of protection 
wherewith to oppose the indiscriminating physical 
forces by which survival had theretofore been de- 
termined. And when one compares the individual 
members of that intelligent race with one another, 
one soon discovers that those of superior intelli- 
gence are often physically far more frail than are 
the dull-minded specimens, and hence frequently 
far less fit to withstand the onslaught of antagon- 
istic physical forces. 

Do we seek to apply this much quoted law of 
survival to morality, we find to our dismay that not 
infrequently the unscrupulous thief and deceiver 
and the blunt bully grow and prosper, while the 



33 



honest and virtuous thinker, less tricky or less self- 
assertive, is the unfortunate and suffering under- 
dog. Of course, if this law of survival were indeed 
to be applied to our international views, we could 
only praise and admire those who have acquired 
power: we certainly would have no good cause to 
hate them. 

We shall soon discover that the Martian spoke 
in detail on this subject to Professor FANSEE, 
because it had an important bearing upon the fur- 
ther political events on Mars. And it may therefore 
be proper for me, also to quote to what conclusion 
the Martian philosopher came at the end of his rev- 
elations. 

Would anyone think, he exclaimed, of trying to 
advocate the law of gravitation as a guide to proper 
conduct? No one would, because it would be utter- 
ly absurd. For no Martian can add one iota to its 
power or take away one iota from its everlasting 
activity by conscious effort. We can add to or 
subtract from it no more than we could add to or 
subtract from the material of which our Universe is 
composed. And just as little good or bad as our 
conscious scheming can do to the law of gravita- 
tion, just as little can it aid or hamper the law of 
the survival of the fittest, except in so far as we may 
be able to protect ourselves against its indiscriminate 



34 



lack of consideration. That law has ruled long be- 
fore there was any self-consciousness, long before 
there was intelligence in the living entities, long 
before one group of specimens of a deluded species 
envied another group its industrial or political im- 
portance. If life were to be ruled by this law, it 
would be absurd to devise remedies against epidem- 
ics. In that case, we should allow the disease to 
ravage the nation all it wants to. Nature would 
thus render the Martians a special favor by destroy- 
ing those unfit to survive that particular disease. 
And after epidemic Number One had passed, we 
might allow some new epidemic to destroy all the 
survivors, even though among those killed by the 
first disease there might have been many who could 
successfully have survived epidemic Number Two, 
had they only still been alive to face it. 

The absurdity of the proposition of being 
guided by this automatic law had, therefore, become 
plainly apparent to our Martian philosopher. And 
then it was, he told Professor FANSEE, that he began 
to realize the truth of what had been said by others, 
that the moral precepts contained in the Heebron 
and Nazarrano manuscripts had sprung from the 
verdicts of human reason, after many centuries of 
experience and observation of social requirements; 
and that they had become obnoxious to certain Dar- 



35 



vinianos, not because they were in themselves wrong 
or misleading, but because they had until now al- 
ways been imparted as if inseparably founded on 
a devoted faith in personal semi-human Deities. 
Separate them from that ancient faith, and they are 
strong enough in themselves to remain standing, 
fastened deep into the rock of human experience, as 
efficient guide-posts on the road that leads through 
the labyrinth of life. As experience erected them, 
experience may perhaps later still further improve 
them. Not your experience alone, or my experience 
alone, but the experience of all the Martians com- 
bined, scientifically founded on the decrees of fur- 
ther advanced logic. 

After this relaxation by way of a heart-to-heart 
confession, our noble Martian returned to his nar- 
rative of the struggling nations, and here he showed 
at once in what way his confession was connected 
with his interesting little chapter of political history. 

The Two-Ton philosophers, he said, like him- 
self profoundly impressed with the Darviniano faith, 
had commenced to look to the laws of Nature for 
moral guidance. And having started to dig in this 
direction, the momentum of their brain-weight pre- 
vented them from changing their course. Thus it 
came about that NEETCH-UR, a philosopher of note 
in Two-Tonia, utterly cast aside all Nazarrano pre- 



36 



cepts. Why cure, protect or aid the weak? Let the 
strong survive as Nature naturally would let them. 
Will they be less intelligent? Blame Nature. Will 
they be less considerate of their brothers' well- 
being? It's the fault of Nature who then apparently 
wanted it that way. What NEETCH-UR taught, 
therefore, was the moral excellence of physical and 
mental power, inconsiderately overriding all those 
whose powers are less mighty, even if this "moral" 
attitude should lead the Martians to a condition of 
total im-morality. 

Neetch-UR was an oratorical author produc- 
tive of high-sounding maxims, who never endeavored 
to test their efficiency by the road of logic. Though 
his ideals were evidently floating in the wrong direc- 
tion, he nevertheless had some of the marks of the 
genius. Nationality was to him a minor considera- 
tion. He addressed his advocacy of the rule of the 
powerful to all the inhabitants of Mars, and if a 
Brit or a Skandalnavying were more powerful than a 
Two-Ton, he would have witnessed with satisfaction 
the Two-Ton's overthrow by the Brit or the sturdy 
Skandalnavying. 

To the Two-Tons, influenced as they were by 
the Martian nationality-mania, this view of life was 
a bit too broad. The correctness of the nature-view 
was not questioned. Especially not since one of 



37 



their most renowned empirical scientists, known as 
Professor HECKLER, had boldly toddled from his 
empirical laboratory into the field of philosophy, and 
had strenuously emphasized the nature-view, with 
utter neglect of the emotional side of the Martian 
character. But though the nature-view was held to 
be perfectly in order, NEETCH-Ur's international 
broadness did not coincide with the Two-Tonian 
national mental tendencies. No wonder, therefore, 
that another author soon arose, named TRITE- 
SHKUR, who adopted NEETCH-UR*S views, but 
applied them exclusively to the glory of the Two- 
Tons. If any one nation was to survive by its 
power to conquer, that one nation must be the 
nation of the Two-Tonians. The Brits with their 
propensity toward territorial expansion had ruled 
the misty planet long enough. We, the Two-Tons, 
have a greater quantity of explosives than have the 
Brits. Our Kooltoor is far greater than their cul- 
ture. TTie God of NAZARRO, no matter what pre- 
cepts NAZARRO himself may have proclaimed, will 
take joy in seeing us conquer. We must go for the 
Brits, use our explosives indiscriminately, and thus 
capture all the territory we can, in order to force 
the law of survival to make its decision in our favor. 

And when his writings were followed by an- 
other book compiled by an explosive-manufacturer 



38 



suitably named BURN-ARDOR, and which de- 
scribed in detail the method to be followed in the 
contemplated struggle, the minds of the Two-Tons 
were fully made up concerning the futility of Na- 
zarrano kindness, and the superiority of nature- 
morality. Indeed, when the struggle came, even the 
Two-Ton division of the Social-Mist sect, advocates 
of international cooperation and peace, compound- 
ers of a cure for the dreadful nationality-mania, 
prophets of good-will to all nations, but among 
whom the nature-view nevertheless largely pre- 
vailed, suddenly lost their idealistic enthusiasm, and 
joined the ranks of the nationality-maniacs, in order 
to make use of the explosives under the command of 
the destruction-chiefs. Had these Social-Mists sud- 
denly gone mad? Why no, not suddenly. They 
simply felt their intimate relationship to one of the 
Martian nations; and these nations had been mad 
for centuries, and had not yet been brought back 
to sanity; that's all. 

True, in other countries the Darviniano philos- 
ophy had led to conclusions of a different type. 
In Brittia a contemporary of DARVINO, answering 
to the name of SPENSAIRO, had elaborately traced 
the development of Martian social conditions from 
time immemorial to date. And he showed that as 
the nations had advanced in civilization, their pur- 



39 



suits and mental attitude had grown more and more 
peaceable. He concluded that the martial spirit of 
destruction is a spirit of barbaric savagery. Hence, 
cooperation among the various nations for the good 
of all was the ideal toward which his conclusions 
pointed. It is curious that this advocate of peace 
arose in a country that had arrived at a position of 
foremost political importance, so that by this nation 
no struggle for predominance with other nations was 
in the least desired. It is just as curious that in 
Two-Tonia, which was actually engaged in a mental 
struggle for supremacy, the rising philosophers were 
advocates of the sanctity of power and the primor- 
dial struggle for survival. 

Indeed, the militaristic BURN-ARDOR previous- 
ly referred to, sarcastically pointed to this influence 
of political conditions upon a nation's philosophic 
views. He expressed the opinion that these philos- 
ophers purposely proclaimed their conclusions for 
the benefit of their own country. Our Martian in- 
former, however, thought that it was simply one of 
the subconscious elements that unwittingly influence 
the thoughts of a nation and of its authors. As 
BURN-ARDOR saw in this wholly unavoidable re- 
sult the effect of nefarious deep-low-matic selfishness, 
he even declared that, as between nation and nation, 
neither virtue, nor honor, nor fairness was ever taken 



40 



in consideration. Yet, if it is bad for the members of 
a family to treat one another without fair-minded 
loyalty, if it is morally despicable for any family to 
treat the neighboring families dishonorably and with 
malice or hidden unfair purposes, it is just as con- 
temptible for that larger aggregate of Martians, 
called a nation, to treat any other nation unfairly or 
unscrupulously. BURN-ARDOR probably gave his 
impression of things as he thought they iPere, and 
not as he thought they ought to be. 

When the TWO-TONIAN SUPREMACY WAR 
had at last become a dreadful physical fact, a num- 
ber of nations were involved in the titanic strug- 
gle. Considering the jealousy with which the Brits 
had long guarded their predominance, and the 
Two-Ton aspiration to supplant them, one might 
have expected the Two-Tons to seek some deep-low- 
matic excuse for engaging the Brits in a gigantic 
wrestling match. And had they done so, the Mar- 
tian world would probably have looked on, impar- 
tial, and satisfied to see the best man win. But the 
struggle was brought about in a very different man- 
ner. 

One nation, in reality the only one with whom 
the Two-Tons entertained intimate relations, was the 
group of Martians usually referred to as the Ostrich- 
ans or austrich-ANS. They were so named, not 



41 



because the ostrich makes their country its habitat, 
for this bird never had any sucli intention; not be- 
cause they were wont, Hke the ostrich, to hide their 
heads in the sand under the impression that they are 
thus protected from an approaching enemy, for when 
they are compelled to hide, they are wise enough 
not to hide their heads alone and leave the rest of 
their frail bodies exposed: the name Austrich-ans 
was given them because, like this famous bird, they 
were known for a voracious and very varied appe- 
tite. They were in the habit of nibbling, whenever 
they had a chance, at the neighboring territories 
known as the Bally-Khan States. They had even 
at one time dipped their steel forks into the plate 
of the EAT-ALL-IANS, a nation whose territory also 
borders theirs. Nay, so typically were they re- 
nowned for their everlasting appetite, that one prom- 
inent part of their country actually bears the official 
name HUNG'ry! As the Two-Tons are reputed to 
serve five meals a day, and as the Austrich-ans 
moreover speak the same language as the Two-Tons, 
the friendship between these two nations was ideal, 
and even caused them to dream of a delicious Pan- 
Two-Tonianism. 

The nearest neighbors of these Austrich-ans 
were a much smaller tribe which subsequently was 
referred to as the SERVERS, because they served the 



42 



Two-Tons apparently as a welcome excuse to start 
the struggle. The Austrich-ans had no end of 
trouble with the Servers. The nationality-mania 
between them had indeed developed to a state of 
very dangerous acuteness. At last, in the country 
of the Servers, a crime was committed of which an 
Austrich-an official was the victim. Now in the 
Darvinized Nazarrano countries all crimes were 
dealt with by law-courts instituted for this very 
purpose. And in case a foreigner was the victim, 
the courts were wont to act with redoubled vigor; 
and the country where the deed had been done 
would moreover make amends to the country of 
which the victim had been a citizen, amends which 
were made in various forms. Law-courts, in fact, 
are one of the first marks of civilization on Mars. 
But the Austrich-ans were not satisfied to treat this 
particular case in the ordinary legal way. They 
sent the Servers a message demanding such amends 
as no nation had ever demanded of any other. 
Their message of indignation was couched in terms, 
and contained stipulations, to which no self-respect- 
ing nation, not even the smallest, could in the eyes 
of the rest of the Martian world honorably have 
submitted. 

Now the Servers were one of a group of small 
nations, heretofore referred to as the Bally-Khan 



43 



States, and they had a powerful friend and protector 
in the politically far more important nation of the 
RUSH-NOTS. The Rush-Nots were named for the 
slowness of their national progress. For many cen- 
turies there had been among the Nazarrano nations 
a pronounced prejudice against the Heebrons, not- 
withstanding the fact that NAZARRO Himself had 
been a Heebron and had followed the Heebron faith. 
Heebrons were unscrupulously persecuted, robbed, 
tortured, murdered, their possessions frequently con- 
fiscated, and they were permitted to dwell only in 
special sections set aside for them. These criminal 
proceedings had long ago been abolished in all the 
other Nazarrano countries, but the Rush-Nots con- 
tinued to indulge in these sordid amusements of the 
long-forgotten past. In all other Nazarrano coun- 
tries, moreover, the power of the ruler had been 
limited by giving his subjects a share in determining 
the laws that govern them. Among the Rush-Nots 
the ruler still had absolute power over his subjects 
as the rulers in other countries had had in the long- 
forgotten past. So you can easily understand that 
in matters of progress and social improvement they 
rushed not. Nevertheless, by means of bloodshed, 
the Rush-Nots had acquired a goodly proportion of 
the crust of Mars. So the Rush-Nots, being friends 
of the Bally-Khan nations to which group the Serv- 
ers belonged, parleyed with the Austrich-ans and 



44 



told them to treat the Servers more politely, and 
threatened that otherwise they would be compelled 
to direct their engines of destruction very impo- 
litely against the Austrich-ans. 

We have stated before that Brittia was de- 
sirous of permanent peace. So, indeed, were the 
Rush-Nots, because they, too, had obtained more 
than their due proportion of Martian territory. So, 

too, were the previously mentioned Frank-Aulians 
or Fringe, who in fact had entered into an intimate 
bond of friendship with the Rush-Nots. The Brits 
therefore, to all appearances, did their best by means 
of dip-low-macy to avoid the threatening war. But 
the Austrich-ans hurriedly comm.enced to make war 
preparations; and when the Rush-Nots saw this, 
they followed suit. 

Whether or not the Austrich-ans had acted all 
this time with the secret approval of the great 
WILMOSTASH, or the Two-Ton explosive-manu- 
facturers, may forever be a question fit for debate. 
Yet so much is certain that, at this momentous stage 
of the international quarrel, WILMOSTASH per- 
emptorily told the Rush-Nots to turn their de- 
structive apparatus back from the Austrich-an bor- 
ders, so that Austricha might do to the Servers 
whatever served the Austrich-an-Two-Tonian inter- 
ests bestc The Rush-Nots told the mighty WILr 



45 



MOSTASH to go to Halifax, a sort of meeting-place 
where it is always hot to suffocation. 

Did the Two-Tons thereupon at once attack 
the Rush-Nots? No, they Did-not. Aware that the 
Fringe were an important factor in various anti- 
Two-Tonian protective alliances, they anticipated 
that the Fringe would beyond question actively side 
with the Rush-Nots. As a consequence, you might 
have expected the Two-Tons to start a vigorous 
campaign against the Rush-Nots, meanwhile heavily 
guarding their borders against invasion by the 
Fringe. And in case the Fringe would subsequently 
have grown too gay, the Two-Tons might then 
justly have handled them in accordance with the 
rules dominating such international pastimes. As 
their quarrel was with the Rush-Nots, this of course 
would to all appearances have been the logical plan 
to follow. Yet, even this plainly outlined course 
the Two-Tons Did-not take. Under the impression 
that the Rush-Not armies are heavy and slow, and 
that the Fringe are light and quick as lightning; 
convinced moreover that their chances of victory lay 
in offensive action, and that a defensive attitude 
might imperil their cause, the Two-Tons decided, 
before assailing the Rush-Nots, first to attack the 
Fringe. 

In explanation of the odd-sounding name of 

46 



the latter nation, let me state that the Frank- 
Aulians or Fringe are named for the frankness with 
which they own and exhibit their vices as well as 
their virtues. Aulians is sometimes spelled Owlians 
and evidently refers to the fact that many of their 
great men are known to have been night-owls. The 
shorter name Fringe is applied to them on account 
of their artistic inclinations. Although they have 
contributed a goodly share to Martian science, phi- 
losophy and the industries, their most pronounced 
characteristic is that they are so eminently fond of 
profuse decoration. They decorate their homes, 
their theatres, their churches, and their minds. 
Thus they have decorated the Nazarrano-Darvin- 
iano form of civilization with a harmoniously colored 
fringe of politeness, a bit fuzzy, quite a bit inclined 
toward dip-low-matic deceit, but, all in all, rather 
artistic. 

When the Two-Tons had decided to attack the 
Fringe, did they cross that part of their border that 
leads directly into the Fringe territory? No, they 
Did-not. By George, king of the Brits, I am almost 
inclined hereafter to call the Two-Tons the Did- 
Nots! Instead of this, they decided to run their de- 
structive engines across two small and perfectly 
nootril countries, one known as Luxury-burgh, and 
the other inhabited by a valiant little nation whose 



47 



name is fast going down in Martian history as the 
BELL-GIANTS. Their country contains all sorts of 
beautiful old buildings and churches renowned all 
over Mars for their marvelous bells and chimes; and 
small as be their number, they are, nevertheless, 
known as the Giants, because in case of need they 
are willing to undertake gigantic tasks, from which 
many another small nation would shrink in fear. 
Accordingly, the Bell-Giants obstructed the passage 
of the Two-Tons, and undertook a struggle in which 
they were bound to be defeated. 

/" And here comes a typical instance of Brit deep- 

low-macy. Because the maniacal envy of nation 
toward nation had become unbearable even to the 
deluded Martians, the nations had signed certain 
agreements for the protection of what was called 
the buffer-countries, territories whose neutrality was 
to be respected in case the bigger nations would 
ever go to war. The Two-Tons had signed this 
agreement, and so had the Brits. Now after the 
Brits had endeavored to prevent the war, they pub- 
lished the letters and telegrams which they had ex- 
changed for that purpose with the various foreign 
dip-low-mats. From this correspondence it appears 
that the Two-Tons had made an inquiry to find out 
whether the Brits would look on unmoved or 
whether they would take a hand in the upheaval, 

48 



in case the Two-Tons were to start the international 
cataclasm. In reply, the Brits carefully controlled 
their muscles and said, they were not at all certain 
what they would do. May-be they were at first in- 
deed undecided. But then one of the Brit dip-low- 
mats asked one of the medal-bearing chesty Two- 
Tons whether Two-Tonia would agree not to annex 
any part of the Fringe territory. The Two-Ton 
replied that Two-Tonia would positively refrain 
from any such glaring violation of the Nazarrano 
precepts. Whereupon the Brit, who in the mean- 
time had telegraphed to his government, returned 
to the weighty Two-Ton to ask whether his promis 
also held good for the Fringe colonies. The Two- 
Ton smilingly remarked that even NAZARRO 
Himself could not expect the virtue of the Two- 
Tons to carry them so far as to stoop to so absurd 
a self-abnegation. And as the Brits were not 
anxious to have a colonial competitor with habits 
so deep-digging as those of the Two-Tons, the Brits 
undoubtedly made up their minds then and there 
not to look on unmoved. So when the Two-Tons 
started to cross the territory of the Bell-Giants and 
forced them to a hopeless self-defense, the Brits 
rose in ire and made a noisy hallabaloo about the 
violation of the neutrality treaty, and used this as 
an excuse to join the opponents of the Two-Tons. 
Thus once again, they hid their selfishness behind a 



49 



rather transparent veneer of noble indignation and 
ideals. 

And now the war is on, and an insensate pan- 
demonium reigns in the countries which we once 
looked upon as civilized. An amount of energy is 
being wasted that, if properly applied, could have 
led to the realization of many a wonderful social 
ideal, many a hope long cherished by humanity in 
vain. An amount of wealth is being squandered on 
destruction which, applied in conjunction with this 
vast amount of energy, could have built castles of 
education beyond our present dreams, institutes of 
mind-broadening influence upon all the suffering 
human race. An amount of blood and life is being 
sacrificed, compared to which the human sacrifices 
to the gods of yore dwindle into utter insignificance. 
And all this for the vain-glory that some one nation 
might harvest, by wantonly destroying the pride of 
existence, the happiness, the strength, the life-blood 
of another. What the outcome of this blind folly 
will be, no one, alas, as yet can tell. 

Here came once more a pause of silence, and 
the Martian philosopher thereupon entrusted to 
Professor FANSEE some further personal confidences. 
TTie country I live in, he said, was discovered by an 
enterprising traveler for whom many statues have 
been erected and who is therefore popularly referred 



50 



to as COLUMN-BUST. When he discovered our 
country he exclaimed "Eureka!** which means in 
one of the dead Martian languages : I have found it. 
As a result of this exclamation, my country was 
called AM-EUREKA. I may say with pride, and 
with a humane lack of prejudice entirely uninflu- 
enced by the usual nationality-mania, that my coun- 
try is one of the few on Mars in which petty jeal- 
ousy and malice against other nations is totally un- 
known. Although the Nazarrano and Darviniano 
faiths form a mechanical mixture among us just as 
among other civilized nations, yet the Heebron and 
Nazarrano precepts are beyond all else dear to us; 
not so much for their supposedly divine origin, but 
far more so for their humane and beneficent charac- 
ter. We are not double-faced, either nationally or 
internationally. In the conduct of business as well 
as in our international relations we are broadminded. 
When we say we are in favor of permanent peace, 
we mean what we say, without hiding any selfish 
motives. When we say we are, if need be, ready 
to fight for a noble cause, there is nothing in our 
minds except this noble cause, and we have no by- 
thoughts to hide. 

Now I was born on that hemisphere on which 
the struggle is now going on, and to which we in 
Am-Eureka, owing to our strictly neutral principles, 



51 



nowadays refer as YOUR-ROPE. Am-Eureka be- 
came my country by adoption ; and in Your-Rope I 
had frequented artistic circles from which I im- 
bibed exceedingly lofty ideals, such as Art for Art's 
sake, Science for the sake of Science, the preference 
of other aims to money-hunting, and so on. And not 
finding similar ideals catered to in my adopted coun- 
try, I personally had always considered the inhabi- 
tants of Your-Rope as on a plane of civilization far 
higher than that reached in Am-Eureka. 

The drama at present being played in that 
hemisphere of so-called high ideals has absolutely 
changed this point of view. The simple precepts of 
NAZARRO and of the earlier Heebron teachers are 
the best that the Martians can desire for their 
guidance. The brotherhood of nations and the 
peaceable attitude of man toward man no matter 
on what part of Mars he happens to have been born, 
is an ideal at least as inspiring as Art for Art's sake. 
The high flying and loudly proclaimed ideals of 
Your-Rope are not the ideals of humanity at large. 
They are fitted for but a small class of men who 
by these ideals are inspired toward producing things 
of wonderful beauty, highly idealistic, but utterly 
superfluous to human comfort and welfare. TTie 
peace-ideal of the Am-Eurekans, unobtrusive, sub- 
consciously active in their heart and every-day 



52 



actions, not claiming a sky-reaching mental superi- 
ority, is not only fit for all Martians, young an3 
old, high and low, able and unable, hence also for 
those engaged in the production of useful things 
needed in every-day life, but it is moreover an ideal 
which would benefit all civilized countries and aid 
the further development of science, industry, and 
mental as well as physical civilization. 

Here the Martian philosopher seemed to have 
been interrupted. A few minutes elapsed before the 
Zee-rays continued to do their interesting work. My 
assistant remarks, he subsequently said, that Am- 
Eureka itself but recently might have gone to war 
with a neighboring country called MAKE-SICK-0, and 
that the Am-Eurekans actually sent a fleet to We're- 
ON-A-CRUISE. And indeed, such things may some- 
times be necessary. But our behavior in We're-on- 
a-Cruise is typical of the difference between Am- 
Eurekan and Your-Ropean warfare. When we 
Am-Eurekans entered We*re-on-a-Cruise, there were 
snipers there who shot at us from windows and house- 
tops. One must expect these things on a campaign 
of invasion. The private citizens naturally are your 
enemies as much as are the uniformed soldiers. So, 
what did we do? We shot back at them whenever 
it was unavoidable. Whenever possible, we arrested 
them. We further saw to it that all citizens sur- 



53 



rendered all weapons in their possession. This work 
done, we started to improve the sanitary conditions 
of the town. We made the town more comfortable 
to live in than it had ever been under Make-sickan 
rule. On the other hand, it is said of the Two-Tons 
that they conquered among others a town called 
Low- Vein situated in the territory of the Bell-Giants. 
Quite naturally they found snipers there. Did they 
meet the situation as humanely as we had done? 
No, they Did-not. So passionately enraged were 
they, on the contrary, at this inevitable discovery, 
that they burned, shelled, and destroyed the larger 
part of the town and its inhabitants ; and a town this 
in which the very buildings were treasures of me- 
diaeval art. After this, further sanitary improve- 
ments were almost wholly superfluous. 

No, even though circumstances may have com- 
pelled us to send that fleet, even though similar cir- 
cumstances may again compel us to similar acts, and 
even though we may thus find ourselves some day 
engaged in bloody war with some other nation, in 
our minds and in our breasts we bear no malice to- 
ward either the Make-sickans or any other nation 
on all our vast planet. We might fight, but the fight 
having been fought, we would gladly shake hands, 
and feel sincerely sorry that we had been drawn 
into a nasty quarrel. And this, without dip-low- 



54 



macy, without manipulation of the facial muscles, 
wholeheartedly, as befits a good sport. 

Separated as we are, by an expansive ocean, 
from the main seat of nationality-mania, we look on 
unprejudiced, pitying deeply the Martians who are 
forced to suffer by its fearful consequences, and do- 
ing what we can to stay at least the starvation that 
might follow in the struggle's dreadful wake. 

Nor do we take sides in this horrible calamity. 
Why call one madman a fool and jolly the other 
madman by telling him that he is right? We, on 
this side of the rocking pond, do not care a rap 
whether the Brits, the Two-Tons, or any other na- 
tion attains to world-supremacy, provided that, this 
supremacy reached, they shall not assume an over- 
bearing attitude or dictate to us how we are to con- 
duct our business. We Am-Eurekans do not as- 
pire at supremacy. Our institutions are founded on 
equality; and, indeed, equality and supremacy can- 
not easily be made to harmonize. All we aspire to 
attain is what a clean-minded and healthful develop- 
ment of our resources and intelligence may bring us 
in the natural course of events. All we advise other 
nations is to be wise enough not maliciously to inter- 
fere with this development. 

Did the Two-Tons believe the Brits were ma- 
55 



liciously interfering with their natural growth? Then 
they should have gone straight for the Brits, with- 
out starting a campaign against the Fringe or the 
Rush-Nots, and without a destructive passage 
through a small country that never had been ac- 
cused of malicious interference. Were the Brits 
under the impression that their natural development 
was maliciously interfered with by the Two-Tons? 
Then they should have settled their quarrel openly 
and directly with the Two-Tons, without waiting 
deep-low-matically for a "noble" excuse that they 
all along expected to be furnished them. We Am- 
Eurekans believe in a fair fight when a fight cannot 
be avoided ; stripped and without gloves if need be ; 
but no hitting below the belt. 

When the war broke out, we in Am-Eureka 
noticed that the actual hostilities had been started 
by the Two-Tons. We noticed that, instead of lim- 
iting their activities to assailing the nation they were 
about to attack, they forced their way through other 
countries, one of these being the land of the Bell- 
Giants, against the Bell-Giants' clearly expressed 
desire to the contrary. The Bell-Giants were de- 
fending naught but their right to keep aloof from 
the mad struggle; and when, owing to the narrow 
limits of their territory and resources, they were de- 
feated, their fields devastated and their towns de- 



56 



stroyed, we naturally sympathized with the Bell- 
Giants in their pitiable plight. There are Two-Tons 
who migrated to my adopted country but who are 
still in close sympathy with the Two-Tonian nation- 
ality-mania, and who saw in this attitude on our part 
the evidence of ill-will against Two-Tonia. Yet be- 
fore these grim events no sign of any such ill-will or 
hatred had ever been detected. Nor will it be pos- 
sible to detect any after the struggle for supremacy 
shall have come to an end. We in Am-Eureka 
love justice, and justice necessarily involves a deep- 
seated consideration for the rights of others, and a 
systematic avoidance of any passionate violence, 
especially of violence in the wrong direction. But 
the Two-Tons may be at ease. Our sympathies are 
not with the backward Rush-Nots or with the deep- 
low-matic Brits, either. Were they to indulge in 
unjust acts, we would detest these acts as definitely 
in them as in any other Martians. Only, while we 
may disapprove of an act of Injustice in any nation, 
that does not mean that we bear malice toward the 
nation as such, nor that we fail to appreciate what- 
ever virtue or wisdom that nation may possess. 

After thus having described the attitude of his 
own country, the Martian philosopher declared that 
this was in reality not the main purpose of his re- 
flections. What he wished to emphasize was, he 



57 



said, that the whole deplorable conflict could have 
been avoided if only the Martian nations had taken 
measures to cure, at least in part, the nationality- 
mania that at any time is likely blindly to arouse 
their destructive passions. To you, he said, at the 
distance at which you see our planet, all of our 
globe must make the impression of an insane asylum, 
where nationality-mania and nationalized megalo- 
mania are the two mental aberrations most promi- 
nently prevalent. But in reality, he assured us, these 
people are not insane. They are simply deluded, 
carried away by a wrong and intensely harmful con- 
ception of honor and of Martian greatness. 

My most intense hope is, continued the Martian 
philosopher, that by proper mental training we may 
be enabled to re-direct their quasi-noble impulses 
into better and more constructive channels. As I 
contemplate the struggling armies, I see their ban- 
ners raised high above the surging regiments. But 
I see the national colors dimmed with powder-smoke 
and the dust of the battle, so that now the banners 
look all alike to me; and over the smutty surface 
of every one of them, I see the word FOLLY glar- 
ing in the vivid red of warm young blood. How 
much better will it be to see in the near future the 
same banners, the national marks of distinction dim- 
med by factory smoke and the dust of the quarries. 



58 



and to see written on all of them in letters of gold: 
FOR THE FEDERATION AND WELL-BEING OF HU- 
MANITY; PEACE AND GOOD-WILL TO ALL MEN OF 
ALL NATIONS. 

At this moment Professor FANSEE bethought 
himself of a question that he had all along intended 
to put to the Martian philosopher, but that had so 
far been crowded out by the Martian's interesting 
narrative. "For what purpose,** he finally asked, 
"did you Martians construct those straight-lined 
canals that cross your planet?" Came from the 
Martian the counter-question: "What canals?" 
"Well," replied Professor FANSEE, somewhat taken 
aback, "we on earth notice straight lines across your 
globe every spring, and we reached the conclusion 
that they are canals used to guide the water when 
it rushes down from the thawing ice-fields at the 
poles.** "Ah,** said the Martian, "this is extremely 
interesting. Straight lines you say? Let me think 
a moment. Oh, yes, they are . . ." 

Here a strange thing occurred. We heard a 
few clicks of a nature to suggest that the apparatus 
had suddenly gone out of order. The Professor 
looked over some of the details of the machinery, 
but found nothing wrong. TTien, of a sudden, the 
Martian conmiunications were resumed. With a 



59 



speed as if our distant philosopher had suddenly 
turned into a maniac, his message was now rushing in. 

One of the nations involved in this miserable 
cataclasm, known as the Chopper-Knees, it said, has 
at the last moment invented an engine of destruc- 
tion excelling all others in deadliness. It consists of 
an enormous thin metal globe, to which a device is 
attached that causes it to fly up in the air to a con- 
siderable height. The device is timed ; so that, when 
it has reached a certain height and has drifted in a 
certain direction, it suddenly comes to a standstill, 
and by its own dead weight falls with increasing 
speed toward the soil. The horror of it is that upon 
reaching the surface it explodes, and spreads a thick 
cloud of smoke, of such a nature that by powerful 
electrical action it gathers unto itself various ma- 
terials from the atmosphere and from the soil, with 
the result that the cloud, instead of diminishing, 
grows ever thicker and vaster. The cloud kills all 
life it comes in contact with, and it is feared that 
it may encircle the whole planet. It is guaranteed 
to kill every forest and every animal that lives in 
the forest, to kill every living creature in the water 
whose surface it touches. It is guaranteed to kill 
every flower, every grassblade, every thistle; to kill 
the ass who is eating the thistle as a much desired 
delicacy, as well as the flies that pester his bushy 



60 



hide ; and as a minor effect, it will also kill the follow- 
ers of NAZARRO v/ho, according to the legend, once 
rode through the streets of Jairoosolom on his pa- 
tient back. As I have erected my apparatus on the 
highest promontory of the planet Mars, just as you 
probably have done at your end, I shall be the last 
to be attacked by the deadly fumes. Already do I 
see the cloud fill the valley below me. I see it rising, 
rising! . . . 

And then, as if in the despair of his agony he 
were addressing a world already laid waste, and a 
race already wiped out, a few additional sentences 
reached us from the depth of space : Abandon your 
petty jealousies, your tricky international schemes 
and your malice. Form a friendly federation by 
which everyone of you will benefit. Establish in- 
ternational courts of justice and of honor. Do away 
with your national armies and navies, and use their 
remnants as international guardians of the peace. 
Give up your futile efforts to be guided by blind 
Nature in the treatment of your fellowmen. Mo- 
rality, whether considered from an international or 
a national point of view, is a set of rules of whole- 
some living, founded on the requirements of an ever 
further developing social organization. It does not 
refer merely to a respectable limitation of sex-life. 
It embraces good-will, loyalty, justice, fairness, the 



6i 



absence of all underhand thoughts and methods, and 
the total lack of malicious intent. Many of these 
laws have been lucidly compiled in the Nazarrano 
manuscripts. Enthrone ye then, therefore, once 
more, if not NAZARRO's divinity, then at least such 
of His precepts as are practicable and beneficent for 
men of all faiths and for men of no faith, for the 
human race at large! . . . Thus alone shall ye 
thrive without unnecessary disturbances, social up- 
heavals, industrial calamities, wanton slaughter, and 
without the despicable arousal of savage passions! 

The Martian admonition ceased. And then I 
saw Professor FANSEE grow deadly pale; and as 
he reeled as if about to swoon, he whispered: "I 
feel as if my mind were giving way. That voice, 
that solemn message, did it come from space, or did 
it come to me from the heaps of the dead and dying 
that I seem to see dispersed on the battlefields of 
Belgium, France, and Poland? Was this the voice 
of departing spirits dying on our fair earth itself?" 
"Since we left for these vast fields of ice," he said 
to me with a sickly smile, **many things may have 
happened!" 

And then he swooned indeed, and it took fully 
six hours to bring him back to consciousness. From 
then on it was evident that he was suffering from 
some mysterious disease, of which he died two weeks 



62 



later. Had the electrical cloud that enveloped 
Mars, entering the communicating-apparatus, any- 
thing to do with this mysterious functional disturb- 
ance? My own knowledge of medicine is limited, 
and we had no physician with us. His remains 
were buried in the ice of the South Pole. The prob- 
lem may never fully be answered. 

And now, while I am preparing this narrative 
for publication, as yet far away from civilization 
and ignorant of recent events, I wonder whether the 
malicious nationality-mania, that dreadful mental 
aberration to which the Martian philosopher re- 
ferred, could ever have developed to the same ex- 
tent among civilized humanity on earth, arraying 
Christian nation against Christian nation! I won- 
der, in case this malady hereafter ever threatened to 
become acute, whether it could not easily be cured 
by a wise and systematic application of calm com- 
monsense. 

May all good men stand together to eradicate 
this evil! 



FINIS 



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63 



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